I pushed my fingers into my skin, with fear
a million things ran through my head,
all the things that would happen the next day
the thrill, the chase ate my heart inside out
I was terrified of tomorrow & yet impatient for it
the song played in my head, & rehearsal began
my hands gracefully moved across the bed, the legs followed
it hit the bed stump bringing me back to reality
I could almost feel the heart fall out of my chest,
when I thought of the stage, & the audience -
will they cheer for me? or will they wait in silence
I don't think I can ever admit this,
but all I care really want is for mama to enjoy it
she has been the pillow to me every fall, I remember my practices
while I danced from one edge of the room to the other,
she patiently watched inhaling my art, my grace
& if ever I fell short of something, she was there to hold me up
something pierced my palm, and it brought me back to reality
Looking at it I realised, I had pressed so hard the skin broke
I searched for my phone, & saw the time to be four, it was almost dawn
choosing not to sleep, I put on the song, & began to practice
the steps came to me like wings, flying me away from my pain
मदारी-मदारी-मदारी, मदारी मेरा तू
मैं जम्मूरा रे, जम्मूरा, जम्मूरा रे, जम्मूरा
मदारी-मदारी-मदारी, मदारी मेरा तू
मैं जम्मूरा रे, जम्मूरा, जम्मूरा रे, जम्मूरा रे
as the song faded in, the word faded away
if you are a dance, you'd know this moment
when it's just you & the beats, the deep inhale
before your hand gracefully wades into reality
the feet rise gliding through sinuously
for the next two minutes, you are not you
the music has full, & absolute control over you
i dance through red, blue & green,
with a high leap, while my feet rose to touch my back
chest front, i fell into the stage, the head fell low
the moment was defining, & as i fell
the audience rose to award me a standing ovation
now it was my turn to wait, so we did
i sat in the last row watching other perform,
they were all extremely good, the pressure was building
Mumma held my hand, as her legs vibrated with ferocity
she was just as nervous as I was, she shook her legs
& i bit my nails, i climbed the bench to better view the stage
the judges sat a 50m away from me, I still tried to peek
I cursed myself, 'if I were only a few inches taller'
Mumma laughed at that, 'what', I asked in defiance
all participants were called to the stage,
we stood shoulder to shoulder, most of us were in Sarees
wearing red, maroon or some shade of that colour
the theme of the dance was 'red',
the judge settled into the podium,
while the audience stared into her eyes, us -
participants stared into the stage's floor, awaiting destiny
'the winner is wearing red', the judge joked -
a few hearts broke not understanding the humour
the rest of us, held our breath, I dug into my skin
pause; the moment froze, she announced the name
screams, & claps broke out in the auditorium
i turned to my left, hugged her & congratulated her
holding back the tears amidst broken smile
as she runs to the podium, dancing as she did
I slipped away into the green room, i told myself
I locked myself in a cubicle, my palm was red with pain
wiping my tears, with the edge of my saree, i ran home,
now i am shaking, boiling in self pity & grief
the last weeks have been more than just exhausting
i am lost in my terrifying thoughts, mumma left me alone
she knew i would need the space, but at this moment
i am craving for a hug, someone to fill the void
something to shine in this dark mess.
a few weeks later, i was training harder than before
knees bruised, & emotions battered down
my dance held more pain, than it showed,
it expressed every deep cut in me, all the blood stains
the loss had taught me to express,
Looking back, i would have still wanted to win it &
the defeat was difficult to deal with,
but i am a better person for it
i have always been grateful for all things
that i couldn't achieve, all the things i love
it has taught me that i have limits, that i can be the best
& yet, someone somewhere may be better
but that doesn't make me smaller,
it just makes the world a prettier place
a night before the finals, i quaked in my bed
my palms were shredded away by my nails
another sleepless night, filled with bursts of emotions
next morning, i dressed, ate, ran down to the hall
watched them perform, nervous & uncertain
i walked up to the stage, pause, the world faded out
---------
third person narrative;
that night she danced her heart out,
it felt larger than herself, it wasn't a dance
it was a story of defeat, practice and victory
one that bled passion, & felt like a cloud
it revealed the darkness concealed in the music
there was a calmness in her insanity,
you could feel it, you could resonate with it,
you know it was also your story
it barely matters if she won,
but she did, every time since that day